By Gene Weingarten
Sunday, July 19, 2009

As soon as I heard that Dick Cheney had inked a $2 million-plus deal to write his memoirs, I called up his publisher, Threshold Editions, a conservative-leaning subsidiary of Simon & Schuster. When I said I had some questions, Threshold's publicity director asked me whether I was "pro-book": meaning, positively disposed to Mr. Cheney. After I indignantly declined to answer, she said Threshold's editors would reply only if my questions were pre-submitted.

This really steamed me. What were they afraid of? Sure, I am a member of the so-called, quote-unquote, liberal media elite. But so what? Do they really think that a national columnist for The Washington Post would be biased or unprofessional?

I've decided to pre-submit my 10 questions to Threshold Editions in the form of this column.

1. There have been books that were purportedly written by dogs -- "Millie's Book" comes to mind -- but these tend to be in English. Have you ever before published a book that actually, literally, consisted just of growling and snarling?

2. There has been a great deal of speculation in the national media over the years, mostly by me, over whether the former vice president is Mephistopheles or some other incarnation of the devil, such as Baal, the toadlike ruler of Hades, or Abaddon, demonic malevolence of the bottomless pit, the sultan of torment and despoiler of virgins, who in his pure form resembled a horse with a man's head, a woman's hair, a lion's teeth, a locust's wings and the tail of a scorpion. Will the author be addressing this sort of allegation at all?

3. May I presume that Mr. Cheney will be remunerated in his customary way: a gunnysack filled with unblemished human heads?

4. I notice that this memoir is scheduled for release just a few months after George W. Bush's memoir comes out. Is there any concern among the publishers that the Cheney book will seem redundant -- or will it be, as I suspect, the equivalent of getting a memoir from, say, Eisenhower, after his butler wrote one?

5. A few of the more controversial elements of Mr. Cheney's vice presidency have been his remorseless assault on the environment, his unapologetic advocacy of the dubious doctrine of preemptive warfare, his arrogation and usurpation of executive powers, his almost jubilant embrace of methods of torture, his contribution through malevolence and malfeasance to the virtual death of the Republican Party, and his destructive impact on America's moral standing in the world. My question is, can you estimate how many pages this book will be?

6. Calling on old debts from the lords of the netherworld, will Mr. Cheney attempt to get favorable blurbs from Rasputin, Machiavelli, Torquemada and Salome?

7. I see that Mr. Cheney is writing the book in collaboration with his daughter, Liz. I just wanted to say that is very sweet. (Pause for surprised, grateful response.) Couldn't get anyone outside the immediate family to sling the bull with a straight face, eh?

8. What precautions can buyers take to keep this book from bursting into flame should it come into direct contact with holy water, sunlight or the pure joyous laughter of a child?

9. In the acknowledgments, is the author going to express his gratitude and indebtedness to Aaron Burr, who dabbled in both murder and treason and has thus made it less likely -- though not impossible -- that Mr. Cheney eventually will be ranked the worst vice president in history?

10. Is Mr. Cheney going to use this book to settle old scores and deride his critics, on the theory that he who cackles last, cackles best?

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Okay, that's it, Threshold Editions. I'd be happy to publish your point-by-point responses in a subsequent column, as long as you pre-submit them. That's so we can screen them for bias.

Gene Weingarten can be reached at weingarten@washpost.com.

My humble response

Its great to see that you have it all figured out. Finally a true genius that has all the problems of the world indexed and sorted out better than all the great collective minds in the entire world. How proud the Washington Post must be to have you as a part of the team. Now can you please go to the Afghanistan and Pakistani border and get those gentlemen to please come to their senses. I mean a man of  your understanding can surely persuade those gentleman that America is just misguided and were taken down the wrong path by that tyrant Bush administration. I would also make them understand those evil men just want to hurt Muslims because they refused to be baptized.
You can persuade them most America does not agree with this by showing them that masterpiece of the virgin Mary drawn in cow crap, Proudly displayed in art museums in your country. This should show them how Americans of you stature hate those Christians trying to take over your country. Make sure you add how terrible you feel that we locked up their brothers and held them in Guantanamo without first being read them their Miranda rights. Then tell them how embarrassed you are that we water boarded some of them. Nothing beats a good beheading. Well then you could also give them a smug noogie for their bad behavior on 911

wdhpr

Contact me

Don't try to be too brave. This thing can kill you!

Driving while intoxicated.

Riding a motorcycle without a helmet.

And Now!

DWT       Driving While Texting.  Please think about this and discuss it with your kids.

After watching this. Who in their right mind would do this!

Blender is an open source graphical program. Free to download by those that know how to use it …….Enjoy

Wdhpr

This is a free blog post complements of go_daddy. Yes I spent $54.00 last year to do the same thing. This year I will spend time trying to bend some ears for the good cause.

stay tuned

Cheers

Wdhpr